The end of ambition

Bora Bora - a dream honeymoon destination.

Bora Bora - a dream honeymoon destination.

Bora Bora – a dream honeymoon destination.

I’M NOT SURE, but I think I have given up any ambitions I ever had to be a celebrity. My dictionary defines a celebrity simply as “a famous person”, but I think in modern parlance a celebrity is more likely to be an over-paid, philandering footballer with a drug habit, than this year’s winner of the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. I doubt I will ever be either.
I think too, that the modern understanding of the title “celebrity” is linked directly to wealth. If you ever want evidence of this, then simply think (or think simply) of Paris Hilton, and a family of Americans whose only claim to fame, as far as I can see, is the fact that their father defended OJ Simpson in court, the Kardashians.

Well, exactly. I’m appalled to say that I now recognise the name, such is the pervasive nature of celebrityism. This infiltration of celebrityism affects all media. I remember when Tom Cruise and his Doris, whatshername’s first child was born that it made it onto our television news together with Saddam Hussein being charged with genocide and tornados creating havoc in America. I mean, who cares about Tom bleeding Cruise’s spawn when the world’s falling apart? The answer of course is that a lot of people do, don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s a distractiuon from the world falling apart.
When I first heard the name Kardashian, I confess I thought it was a minor tribe of nomads living in northern Iraq, the Kardashians, cousins of the Kurds sort of thing, or more likely, because it was mentioned in the same sentence as “dollars”, a particularly rare and valuable Persian carpet. Not so, it is a family of Americans with a lot more money than sense. Actually, I have to admire their business sense – they’ve made an absolute packet being nobodies.

Anyway, in giving up my celebrity ambitions, I am acknowledging that I will never be stinking rich, be headed-hunted by Manchester United nor star in a blockbuster opposite Julia Roberts, with whom I would later strut my stuff along the red carpet at the Oscars, prior to setting up house with her and having 27 kids (none of them adopted from Vietnam, Bosnia or Malawi), an arrangement that I expect my Doris might have something to say about. I think it is true that most celebrities are in the sports or entertainment worlds, and I’m never going to make money in either.
Nope, if I am ever to get rich, and it’s a big IF, it will only happen if I win the Lotto, and as I understand it, you have to have a ticket to stand a chance of that happening.

But just say, just say that I won a major carry-over jackpot, an obscene R50-million, how would my lifestyle change, I wonder? I ask because it’s then possible that a celeb magazine might ask me questions regarding my lifestyle, and I think they’d be disappointed with my answers.
In a celeb magazine I saw recently, a celebrity (who I’ve never heard of) was asked which countries she’d visited recently, and she answered Zanzibar, you know, good ol’ exotic spice-redolent Zanzibar. My answer would have been, “Well I passed through Dundee in August”.

She was asked to name her favourite holiday destination, and said Miami. Miami? Why, would anyone choose Miami if they could go anywhere else in the world? My answer would be Ithala Game Reserve. Actually, given that I have 50-million smakkeroos, I’d like to go back to Southern Spain, to a place called Jerez de la Frontera which I visited in about 1980, and where I am unlikely to run into Tom Cruise or anyone named Kardashian.
Asked what were her five must-have items to pack for her holidays, the celebrity said one of them was “a pashmina”. I confess, I did not know what she was talking about. What the hell is a pashmina and why would this woman consider it an essential item? My essential item would be a book.

Where, they asked her, is your dream honeymoon destination? and she said Bora Bora, which as I understand it is in French Polynesia, and not the sort of place you want to be standing on the beach at when there’s a tsunami. My dream honeymoon destination, on the other hand, is Julia Robert’s boudoir.
And when they asked this celebrity which Hollywood celebrity she would like to travel with, she said Ellen deGeneres or (wait for it) Khloe Kardashian. Khloe Kardashian – is there no escape from them?

Given a choice I’d travel with my youngest sister, although she isn’t from Hollywood. She’s what we’d call intrepid. At this moment, as I write this, she’s taking a slow train from Rangoon to Mandalay. Her 60th birthday present to herself was this trip to Myanmar, once Burma, simply because our Dad served there during World War II. I’d rather be there than anywhere else with any of the Kardashians. Ellen deGeneres in Myanmar could be entertaining.
New York was the destination that this celebrity said she’d never get tired of visiting. I dunno, call me a boring old fart if you will, but I quite like coming back to Vryheid.

John Carnegie

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